I've held myself to a high (really high) standard where I'll probably never be good enough for myself. It's a self-destructive behavior but I've got a lot better at some things over the years, and completely burnt out of others because of it...

Hi. Hey. I know that feel.

It's really hard to break these standards because these standards are pushing for something "good." Something even the most sane person would agree is a good goal; self-improvement, measurable quantifiable real-world success. These standards are simply about bettering yourself. And you're always trying to better yourself. If you taught yourself it was okay to be the way you are - if you learned that it was okay not to hate yourself - then you'd be teaching yourself something bad. You'd be teaching yourself that you don't need to improve. Maybe you are afraid that if you don't hold yourself to these standards, you will become a fat cat, allow yourself to rest on your laurels, and stop growing. And, also, because you hate yourself right now, you cannot stand the idea of accepting who you are, or resting on your laurels, or being lazy. You cannot stand, probably, the idea of self-acceptance. Why would you ever accept yourself? You feel like you can see so plainly all these areas that need fixing. If you "accepted" yourself maybe you feel that you would really just be "letting yourself go."

I really, really know that feel. In effect, the fear of being mediocre, or being content with mediocrity, encourages you to hold on to those ideals even more strongly, and also (I've found) discourages one from seeking mental help for those issues. After all, they are behaviors that you want. If you get therapy and "fix" yourself, you'll stop becoming a better person. You'll become lazy. Self-hate may be a key factor, or feel like a key factor, for your motivation. If you stop hating yourself, how will you ever push yourself to succeed? What lever will you use? Your carrot and whip will disappear.

If you are happy with yourself as you are now, why would you ever want to improve yourself? And if you want to improve yourself, how can you be happy with yourself?

Shoot me down now if that doesn't sound familiar. If that is what you feel, trust me, I've been on that train several times, and I understand.

Go to therapy for this. You will not be able to fix this on your own. I have found that sometimes mental health problems cause the mind to get into such a jumbled warped pattern that while you may be aware of the mental health issues, they justify themselves mentally. I still, perhaps clearly judging by my response to this post, struggle with "good enough" and high standards.

The thing is that in the long run you can be happy with yourself and still want to improve. It sounds crazy, I know, (and that's not sarcastic) but you can actually be at peace with yourself. You don't have to abandon your high standards if you want. You just have to kill the rabid, driving, rat-like force that's currently spinning the wheel of your brain and making you go.

I hope this helps and is accurate because otherwise I've just gone and been vain and made this more about me than you. I don't want to do that. I want you to be happy. I just saw a small part of this that resonated a LOT with me and that I thought might make you particularly resistant to therapy...And I wanted to say. Get thine ass to therapy. Go to six different therapists if you want. Don't stop til you find one who you really, really like. And keep trying. Even if sometimes you don't really want to improve. Even if sometimes you bring 0 to therapy. Keep trying.